Ford Escort JJ3i (mk 3)

It’s 1992 and my new car looked the nuts. £1420 well spent I reckon:

£300 Racing Green Ford Escort 1.3
£400 Alloy wheels (x4)
£100 Spoiler
£150 Halogen spot lamps
£200 Racing “bucket” seats
£250 Stereo system
£20 XR3i sticker

I took it for a spin down to the dual carriage way outside Harrow. I pulled up at the lights next to an old boy in a Nissan Micra. I gunned my engine to show the old boy who’s in charge, and pull out my manual choke to give the engine a bit of extra juice. I push my curtains haircut back as the lights go amber, fasten myself into my bucket seat and turn up Dr Alban (It’s My Life - Raggadag Remix) on the stereo. I toy with the idea of putting on the Halogen spot lamps but decide that would be overkill.

I barrell forward off the line, and cut the Micra up with a brutal Senna manouver. I was unquestionably the man. But what’s this? The old boy is fighting back - his Micra fills my rear view mirror and I can see his face contorted with rage. My engine begins to judder - I think I’ve left the choke out for too long. The old boy is in my slip stream and suddenly 1.1 litres of Japanese technology sling shots past me, and I feel slightly less manly.

Whether my car looked good or not, obviously depends on whether you are a chav, but it was undoubtedly the pocket Jacks of poker, because its performance was woeful. Last night was the new, beefed up, City 100 at the Loose Cannon, with a 7k starting stack (double chance format). 18 runners was a bit disappointing, but nonetheless it was a good tournament structure.

Three key hands to report, leading to my early exit:

Hand1
I find JJ UTG and decide to limp for 50 to disguise my hand, and hopefully get a big pay off at this early stage. What follows is bizarre. UTG+1 MIN-raises to 100. Sonny in mid position MIN-raises to 150. Colin in the SB makes it 450. Given that action, I figure there is at least one overpair to my Jacks out there. It’s the only thing that makes sense. I contemplate turning my JJ into a set mining exercise, but decide to fold pre-flop and wait for a better spot. The hand turns into a huge pot, and my pre-flop pass turns out to be both a good and a bad decision. On the good side, I would have lost, as Sonny flopped a set, and there were also overcards to the Jacks. On the downside, I was only against 88 and AQ. A bizarre hand, and one I still haven’t figured out who played the strangest - me, UTG+1 (whose hand I didn’t see) or Sonny. Jacks…:(

Hand2
I am down to 2850 from my inital 3500 when this hand occurs. UTG raises to 250 and Sonny calls. Colin or Britney also call (I can’t remember which). I find my old friend JJ in the BB and make is 1,000 to go. Sonny is my only customer, and since I only have 1850 behind, which is less than the pot, I decide to put it in on any flop. Flop comes Ace, rag, rag and Sonny calls my push with A8 and holds on. Time to get my double chance - 3500 left. Jacks…:(

I work my stack up to about 4000, by shoving over a raiser with 88 and limp/shoving with KK, when the final nail goes in the coffin.

Hand3
Blinds are 150/300 and there are limps from Sonny, Al, The Doctor and Britney. This looks like a prime place to squeeze, and I decide to do it with any cards, but when I look down at 88 it is a bonus, and I shove. All fold except Britney, who probably remembering my Q5 crime from last week, calls with KJ suited. By the turn she has a house and I am gone.

I won £130 on the cash game to turn a small profit for the night. Congratulations to the other James and Shazbo for filling the top two spots. Hopefully we’ll get more runners next month - if we had 40 this would be a really good tournament, both in terms of structure and prize pool.

So JJ is now to be known as the “chaved up Escort” in my books. As a footnote, if any players want to see my curtains haircut, it unfortunately still resides on my London Underground travelcard.